For This, I'm In Debt to Sallie Mae?

I had the most ridiculously absurd writing assignment and found myself in a quandary: Do I take it seriously and play up the angles for the grade or do I be true to myself and show my sarcastic nature and my incredulity at such a topic?

Oh, I suppose you're curious what the topic is. We were to choose an artist, musician, actor, athlete or some other non-political famous person and tell why we believe they should be our next President. We were to do the total campaign pitch and sell. Well, me being the politically cynical person that I am, I decided to really roll with the satire on this one. I just hope my professor will catch my vision. Anyway, I'm posting it here for all the world to see just how warped I really am!




Chris Angel for President
BELIEVE!


It was difficult for me to choose the appropriate candidate that, in my mind, would do the office of President justice. Being politically jaded and incurably cynical as I am, I contemplated the qualities that I feel would make a sound choice for President. Forgive the tongue in cheek approach, I warned you about the cynicism.

I would endorse Chris Angel for President for myriad reasons. First and foremost is that this man has mastered the art of smoke and mirrors, which we can all agree is traditionally uppermost on the list of Presidential qualities. I believe a President must promise, and possess the ability, to magically produce massive quantities of cash out of seeming nothingness to create the illusion of a balanced budget and a healthy economy where milk and honey flow in abundance.

It is well known that there is transparency in all that Mr. Angel does. The slight of hand, so critical for those at the top, is barely perceptible and would pass by our unwitting elected officials, leaving them in awe. Since we have come to shower our leaders of late with an almost worship-like devotion, I feel it important to point out that while other Presidents have thought themselves capable of walking on water, Mr. Angel actually can.

I believe that as the voting public sees my candidate in action, they will soon be ardent admirers like myself. Because Mr. Angel has the power to make one question reality and believe anything, my slogan for his campaign would be “Believe!” and his cast of jugglers, dancers, acrobats and magicians would hit the campaign trail pushing his brand of magic through the primaries and right past the Electoral College!

I will show my Presidential candidate to be a real crowd pleaser and orator. We, the American public, are clueless and require someone wiser in the ways of the world, and skilled at theatrics, to showcase what is most important to our society: The glossy, shallow underbelly of self-indulgence and to regale us with tales about what makes this country great, because we are unable to make such judgments with our own feeble understanding. We require a light show and pyrotechnics to get the point across. This will also be impressed upon the masses when they see that Mr. Angel is admired and respected among the cream of Hollywood, and we all know that whom Hollywood embraces the voters will too.

Mr. Angel will demonstrate the ability to gloss over difficult scenarios so as not to trouble our little heads with such things as truth or facts or reality, to wrap them up in a show-stopping performance that will render us spellbound, a skill that will have the ballots virtually materializing out of thin air!

His first acts would be to strengthen our image in the eyes of the world, striking a bone-chilling fear in those who oppose us. A Commander in Chief must not cower in fear at the darker forces of this world, but must be willing and ready to make a blood pact with the darkest of the dark to secure the interests of the country. Secondly, my Presidential choice will miraculously make trillions of dollars of deficit, out of control for decades, disappear before our very eyes and all will be right with the world again, so please, support my candidate, and don’t forget to send your contributions in care of the Luxor, where Mr. Angel is appearing nightly, honing his craft and mastering his deception as he readies for his candidacy.